Stifled Screams

I’m tired. I’m tired of people driving others to the ledge of despair in the name of being better.

When you push us to get through our grief, push for healing, push for happiness, you drive a wedge in our relationships. You hurt not only your relationship with a griever, but their relationships with others and with their sanity. You push for the impossible.

Last week, I counseled yet another person who thought they were irreparably broken because those around her thought she should be doing better after four long months of grieving her son’s death. They not only thought this, but pushed for it and insisted she was taking too long to be over the sadness. They had pushed her to the point she was considering unaliving herself. She felt like she was a failure, unable to live up to their expectations, and because everyone around her felt that she should be over it, she then believed it as well. Since she could not get over her only son being gone, she was ready to leave as well.

Last week, a person I went to college with, who I thought was a friend and had been a pastor and in other ministerial positions, took it upon himself to enlighten me how I was mistaken in my experiences and I must have interpreted them wrong. Then he proceeds to say all who are around me must be coddling my grief and that my “dead child in heaven” would want me to move on.

What makes people think they can presume what my child wants? What kind of passive-aggressive jerk says this kind of thing? What makes people speak as experts on a topic they so completely misunderstand and wield it as an axe? He became intentionally hurtful to maintain his world view. I think he said this for the same reason the family pushed this lady to move on.

While these two examples are on the extremes of what I’ve experienced, the fundamental thoughts behind these are very common and sometimes come from those who think they are helping. I get that people want us “fixed”. Wow, that would be amazing! I would love to be my previous, happy-go-lucky self!

I know people think I should be done grieving for my children. Sorry, as long as there is love with absence, there will be grief. People say I should think of happy times with my son and smile. I do often. Funny they say this, yet I beg for stories of Caleb and very, very few of you have told any.

I think the problem is deeper. People are not simply wanting me to be happy or to share memories of Caleb. They were not just pushing the lady to get over her child so she’s happy. They may think they want us happy and it may be part of it, but really they want ignorance, the belief in a world that makes sense. They want us to not rock the boat, reminding them of the storm that surrounds us all. Death knocks relentlessly and they want to pretend their child will not be next. They do not understand this grief, but down deep they know we scream every day in pain. Unrelenting screams. Screams like no one who has not lost a child can know.

What actually helps grievers is calling out the grief for what it really is. It stinks. It’s horrific. Just acknowledge it. It’s perfectly normal to want your child to be present. It is normal to love your child forever. Grieving is not abnormal and once one realizes their life can have moments of peace again despite the persistent shadow, they often stabilize and learn to live with the grief.

N.B.: If you get nothing else from this, first, hug your child every time they go to bed, leave your presence, and randomly through the day. If they do not live with you, then call or text daily. Second, do not presume to know what the dead want or how one should navigate grief.