Nothing is simple anymore.
I have previously written how I cannot just simply buy gum. Seeing the gum display evokes memories of Caleb. Memories of him asking for gum, hiding it so I would not ‘borrow’ his gum, and memories of placing gum on my list, so it was a stocking stuffer gift at Christmas and throughout the year. Sometimes standing at the register next to the gum is a gut punch.
We used to enjoy apple pie, and we do not have it often now for multiple reasons, but one of those is because most of the time we made it was only to make Caleb happy. I have not made beer since before he died and partly because the only good beer I ever made was with him.
My life is filled with these simple land mines. Even though Caleb did not die in a vehicle accident, I cannot even let my daughter leave the house to attend church or school on her own without severe anxiety and concerns if she will return safely. One of those moments blew up last night and no good answer exists. She needs to be able to do things and I need her home. I will lose that fight whether she stays or goes, so I let her go.
I no longer enjoy chewing gum, warm apple pie, a cold beer, or sitting in a quiet home waiting for my daughter to return from church. These should be the easy parts of winning at life. There is no winning in my world anymore, only surviving. Even the simple things are very hard.
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