Almost Lost

 

2,334 days.

I think some people have a vague clue about the struggle during the first few weeks after losing a child. It’s not that they know what it is like, but they understand it would be difficult. Unless they have lost someone close via a complex trauma, like suicide, people rarely comprehend how six years later, very little has changed.

No one wants to be in this position and anywhere is better than here, but barring that, I wish I was at square one. Maybe not those first ten days, but shortly after. That would be so much closer to okay than where I am. I use the term Almost Lost. I know roughly where I am, but it’s so far away from anything and no possibility of returning.

If you ask me if things become easier, I say, “Yes!”, and then explain how it is by learning how to carry it. However, I would also tell you that right now is harder than five months after Caleb died. It’s like death by a thousand cuts because no single thing can be blamed.

Five months comes from going to my first grief group meeting around that time and someone was talking about nearing their five-year anniversary. I did not know how I could survive five more weeks, much less five years! I was partly right because David, as I or anyone knew him, did not survive. My old self died on June 10, 2018.

Being back at square one also means I would have hope. Hope abounded that time would miraculously soothe the hurt, maybe not remove it, but something. I hoped people in my close circles could share this load. It surprised me just how much others avoid being around those who hurt, avoiding any who do not fit comfortably in their idealized world. Grief is a lonely journey.

I also had hope that I would see Caleb again in the hereafter. While I wish I would see him again, the hope has faded. What basis do I have for substantial hope? None! No religion seems to have a concrete basis. I am a Christian and believe in its principles, yet I still cannot do better than a 25% odds. People offer simplistic platitudes to console or cheer me up, yet they have no solid basis better than this.

Time has found no balm or reason. Instead, time drives deeper into the deserted nowhere, Almost Lost.